Things are starting to become clear....

I have been watching a show called Ruby for a few weeks now. It is about a woman that weighed over 700 lbs and is on a journey to lose weight. She is weighing in the 320's and she is trying to overcome her food addiction and while doing that she is trying to remember her childhood. While watching today alot of memories and emotions started to flood into my brain.

The first thing that comes to mind is my lack of ambition to do anything outside of the home. If anyone knew my family members they would immediately be able to tell me that because of my mom being a stay at home mom from as far back as i can remember that...that would be the logical explanation of why i am a stay at home mom. For me though i was always told that my mom was too sick to work in her profession which was floral design. I can vaguely remember her working when i was about 5 or so. The doctors told her that her asthma was so bad that she had to stop doing her job so then she became a stay at home mom. I know that when that happened it made my sister and brother jealous of me because they felt like i was going to receive more attention then they ever did. The funny part of it is... i really didn't. My mom was always a big book reader when she worked but she became almost addicted to it once she was able to stay home. I would remember leaving the house for school and coming home to see her sitting in her chair with her book, cigarettes, and pop. Everyday. She claims to this day that we did stuff as a family but i don't remember most of what she says. I do remember garage saling up north by my grandparents place. She also claims to everyone that she talks to (even us kids) that she would encourage us to go out for sports or extra curriculars but every time i think about it i have a hard time placing those words. I know alot of the times that i would want to do something and i would ask her about it... there had to be a good reason for it, it had to be convenient, and it couldn't cost alot of money. I feel badly because i am starting to realize that i have asked the same things of my kids. The only difference between what i went through and my kids is the fact that i have taken myself out of the comfort zone to help them do the things they want to do. I don't think my mom ever did that for me. I do know that i do need to have a little more trust in them as far as sticking with the activities they want to do. In the back of my mind when they ask to try something new i have been afraid to let them because if they don't follow through then that is money wasted. I need to stop thinking that way. I need to let them experience this stuff now in life while they still can because i don't want them to have regrets like i have for not fighting for the things that i wish i could have done when i was younger.

The reason i became a stay at home mom was because it was cheaper for me to be home then for my hubby to stay home and turn down overtime. On my wage that i was making by the time i would pay daycare and gas i would end up spending money on top of my paycheck to work. It actually saved us money for me to stay home. When the kids were little though i used that time to teach them their abcs, how to read, write, do math, how to talk, share, lots of things. I also showed them how much i loved them. I was always there to listen to them as well. My kids and I would have some amazing talks when they were younger. I felt so connected to them. Now though that they are in school full time and independent i am having a hard time going back to work. For one i think what if something happens to them and i am so reliant on work (for money) and they tell me i cant go to them. No matter what i would always put the kids ahead of work always but to have to be faced with that situation gives me anxiety. Also i feel anxiety when i think of putting myself out of my comfort zone of my house and in the mix with people again. People scare the daylights out of me. Some don't have any restraint and they will hurt people just because they are angry, hurt, sad, etc.. I am so frightened to be on the receiving end of that. I am (as crazy as this is going to sound) Deathly scared of Death. Also i know that i am afraid that if i start to work on a regular basis that i might have to miss things that the kids are doing in school.. i.e.. games, meets, musicals, talent shows, etc.. It is very rare that you find a workplace that understands family life and that you don't want to miss those things. My hubbys work is a prime example of that. They tell their workers all the time that they should live breathe and die for work and that family comes second. I am so THANKFUL that my hubby took a step in his career that helps him be able to say Nope.. family comes first YOU come second.. He has the ability to say no to overtime. Yes there is some times that an accident will happen at work that forces him to put work above everything else but those are far and few between.

I am realizing more and more with every thought and memory that i am having today that there are two emotions that keep coming through. Anger and Scared.

I am angry with alot of people and i am scared to tell them about it. I am scared of change but then i also feel that i need to change or i will end up like my mom. I love my mom but i don't want to end up like her. She is sick all the time and barely leaves the house. The times she does leave the house it is to "safe" places. Those are the places she goes to over and over. She does have her once a year ventures to National bowling tournaments that are in other states and what not but she has to be the one in control on those trips. She drives, she plans the stops, etc.. She hates going to Reno because that is a flying trip and then she has to give up control but then once she is there and has that rental car..you better watch out because then she is back.

I have dreams and goals that i want to accomplish and i am just afraid that once i feel comfortable enough to head towards those then it might be too late. I am trying my best right now to lose weight because i want to look like the girl i feel i am on the inside. I am just afraid all the time that it is going to take too long to feel happy with myself. I want to feel happy about myself so then i can feel more confident to achieve my goals and dreams. I have lacked confidence and self esteem for many many years. I am not sure about where i lost the confidence but i am pretty sure i know where the lack of self esteem comes from. I started to gain weight after i was raped. Then once i started to gain weight people would then make fun of me, call me names, and make me feel horrible about myself. I always let them have control of my body image. I would dress in baggy clothes because i was called ugly and fat. The only nice compliments i ever heard was about my eyes and my hair. I was always told those were my two best assets. Lately i have been experiencing loss of hair more and more and it scares me. I don't know why when i am in the shower after washing my hair i will have a handful of hair come out. I don't know why when i brush my hair the same thing happens. I am terrified to go to the doctor because i am afraid of what they might say is causing it. I don't want to be sick, I don't want to be broken, I don't want to be anything but healthy. I have been trying to go to the gym and eat right so i can live a long healthy life and i am just afraid that i might have decided to do it too late.

Wow. I do feel a little better about letting this out but i know deep down that i need to express it verbally as well. That will be another step though right?

Blue Skies, Sunshine, and Warmth....

Today was my hubbys routine at the gym today and boy let me tell you.. He put me through alot even though he was at work! I did in 1 hr and 10 mins.... Bench Rows 3/15, Overhead Tri Curls 3/10, Tri Dips 3/15, Body Dip 2/10, Standing Abductor and Adductor with band 3/10, Side lunges 3/20, Forward lunge 3/20, backward lunge 3/20, Leg press 3/10, Leg Curl 3/15, Leg extension 3/15, Squats 3/10, Butterfly 3/10, incline chest press 5/5, 15 push ups (girlie ones), 3/20 ball crunches, 3/10 side ball crunches, 3/15 back raises.. Then to top it off 15 mins of treadmill (just a brisk walk no jog or run). Right now it doesn't feel like i have worked anything at all but i know that in the morning i am going to feel it something fierce!

For the rest of the day i am going to just relax and catch up on my shows because i have started a load of dishes (in dishwasher) and boiled the spaghetti for spaghetti salad. Once i get done typing i am going to whip up the salad so it can be ready for tonight. So excited about tonight's dinner. Burgers on the grill (with some new healthy buns i found!) and salad. Makes me feel like summer. The only thing that would make it completely perfect is if we were eating it at a picnic table by the beach. All 4 of us LOVE the beach! Well i hope if you are reading this that the day finds you with smiles and love in your heart.

A New Day!

Well i have been really slacking off on alot of things but most importantly going to the gym. So today i fixed that by working out for about an hour and a half. I did cardio and some ab work because i want my hubby to help me get a good weight routine in before i go in there for that work. So Tuesday and Thursday will be weight day. Today i did a hour on the arch at level 8 interval and that =833 cals. Then i did 3 sets of 25 ball crunches and 3 sets of 15 back raises with 10 lb weight. I am not sure what the back raises is really called in the exercise world but i know what i mean..LOL

Also My hubby Hid my scales for the month!!!! AAAAHHHHH!! The reason for this is... I would weigh myself every day. I was becoming addicted to it. If i seen loss then it would help my mood and if i seen gain then it would hinder it. So i weighed myself Saturday morning for the last time for a whole month. I also took a measurement of my hips and waist for the last time for the month. I even went one step further and tried on the size 16's i have in the closet to see what would happen. I could get them up, buttoned, and zipped BUT they were TIGHT!!! lol So i took a picture of me in them showing that i could not move the waistband with my thumb away from my body. My hopes is that at the end of this month i will be able to move the waistband and ditch the 18's for good.

I am going to be calling around in the next couple days as well to find a gym that has a daycare so i can continue this journey during the summer. The gym i go to now doesn't offer anything like that and honestly it is starting to become extremely boring and the people are becoming rude as well. I know i might find that where ever i go but hopefully with a bigger gym then i will be able to find a machine when i am wanting to use it not when someone decides they are done with it. That and i am starting to realize that a big reason why i wanted to go to this gym was the convience of being in my hometown and the lady that signed me up offered assistance to help me on this journey and she really has yet to do it. When she is in the gym and i ask for help she does give it to me but to get her to be consistent and help me on a regular basis is like pulling teeth. I know losing weight isn't going to be easy but i think if she would have been able to help me then it would have helped. Usually i am the type of person that if i don't feel comfortable asking for help i will either do it on my own by myself or i just wont do it. I was told that i needed to start asking for help and it seemed like when i did no one was around. I think that has had a hold onto my head and heart for a while.

Well i got to get going i need a shower and food.. Oh that is something else i started to do.. I am taking pictures of my meals and going to keep track of them for the month. I am not good at counting calories or writing things down.. But i love to take pictures. Plus i have heard it helps you own what you eat when you do that. So here's hoping all the changes i am doing this month helps!

A new accomplishment...

Well Good Afternoon everyone.. I hope the day is finding you in good spirits and good health. Over the weekend something happened and i just had to write about it. I weighed myself in again for like the 3rd week in a row and was still down 20 lbs.. Which don't get me wrong i am proud of myself. But i was starting to realize that i had indeed hit my first plateau. You get those when you are losing weight. I hit about 6 when i lost weight before. Just means you have to spice it up a bit by either moving more or eating less. Well i was talking with my hubby about it and he came up with a challenge for me. He said "if everyone says that the optimal way to lose weight is to burn more calories then you consume then" "i issue this challenge to you. On Monday burn 1500 cals doing cardio at the gym. Then on Tuesday burn 1600 cals at the gym. Then on Wednesday burn 1700 cals at the gym. Then on Thursday burn 1800 cals at the gym. Then on Friday burn 2000 cals at the gym." I wont lie i was thinking "Crazy Irish boy said what????" I thought he had literally went off the deep end into the crazy zone.

Well this morning i did it. I got on the arch trainer for 60 mins and burned 842 cals. Got on the treadmill for 60 mins and burned 500 cals right on the nose. Then i got on the bike and rode for 35 mins to achieve the last 158 cals that was needed to complete his challenge! 2 hrs 35 mins at the gym. Surprising i felt good. My feet were hurting and i was SOOOOO hungry...lol But i felt good. Now heaven knows how i am going to be in a couple hours when those endorphins wear out but as of right now i am doing good. I feel so proud, accomplished, and strong. I love that my hubby is pushing me because if he wasn't i would have just went in there did my 1 hr cardio, some weights, and ab work and came home. Which would have taken me about 1 3/4 hr total to complete. Now i am trying to figure out how to get those calories burned in less time. =) The reason for that is i am a mom and my world can be changed in a blink of an eye. Hence my day Sunday.. I will get to that in a moment.. Summer is coming up and i will have to wait until my hubby gets out of work to go workout. I am not going to want to spend over 2 hrs at the gym. I am going to be wanting to spend that time with them. So my new mini-goal is to find a way to achieve the level of calories burned that i need to lose the optimal weight in about 1 1/2 hrs. I think it can be done. I might be leaving more of myself on the floor of the gym in the way of sweat then normal..hehe But i can figure this out.

To my Sunday. The morning started off wonderful. Kids were behaving, i got to sleep in, my hubby was at work, got to be a kid for a little bit and play some video games. Then afternoon hits. I get a phone call from my hubby saying that he was alright but was having to go to the hospital. I am thinking you are alright and have to go to the hospital what the hell!!! Well my hubby works with very dangerous chemicals (ie. sulfuric acid, hydrochloric acid etc). He received a sulfuric acid burn on his knee and even though he acted quickly to flush it out they wanted him to go to the hospital and get checked out. He wasn't there long and was home only about 45 mins later than he would have been so i couldn't complain. I was all geared up to head to the hospital and be the doting wife standing by his side but he told me not to and to stay home with the kids. At first i wasn't going to listen but he sent me a picture text showing me how little the burn actually was and that he was fine and that everything would be alright. Him and I have been through a few medical emergencies in the 13 yrs we have been together and most of the time i FREAK out. No lie. I FREAK. This time was different though. I was worried yes and a little scared yes but i didn't feel a sense of panic come over me. I felt calm. In fact i even asked the kids to get dressed without them knowing anything was even wrong. Other times they would have sensed it. All i know is that i love that man so much that i would lose a part of me if something did happen to him. I know alot of people say that they have a true love then get divorced or whatever.. But i can tell you without a shadow of a doubt he is my soul mate and one true love. We have grown so much over the past 13 yrs and it is true what they say. When you find the one you will know. I did. We bring out the best in each other and we respect each other. Cant ask for anything more. =)

I hope you enjoyed reading and I hope that i have inspired at least one person. Take care and have a great day!

Wow... sorry its been so long..

I did not even realize that it had been since 08 since i last was on here.. Wow.. Well i am hoping that i will get back into writing on this more frequently. I am on another journey in what i am hoping is my last journey to the town called weight loss ville.. lol I started this journey on Oct. 2nd 09 at 243 lbs.. I am eating as healthy as i can ( i am a typical girl that gives into cravings every now and then sue me..lol) and i go to the gym to sweat. In the past couple weeks or so i have not went to the gym probably as often as i should but i am just a little burned out. It was great when i first started going but lately i have not been having fun while i am there. That has been making me feel like not going along with other stressful things we will get into here in a bit. ;) Ok though from Oct. 2nd to today i have lost 20 lbs.. =) I am very proud of it and i am also happy that when i take a day or two off of the gym or my healthy eating it is staying off. So i cant complain something is working i have no clue what but its working..LOL. Speaking of the gym i think some of it is i was being used for a while and now the gym has a sour taste in my mouth. If that makes any sense. A "friend" (i put it like that because the jury is still out because i have not received all the facts on anything and whether they truly are a friend) was having me take her to the gym everyday because she is without a car. So i would pick her up, take her to the gym with me, take her home, day after day after day. They did offer to pay for some tanning to help off set the cost of gas but never did. They bought me lunch one day.. and had offered to pay for other lunches but i go grocery shopping and get stuff for lunch plus what is the point of spending almost 2 hrs in a gym to go out to eat for lunch?? I always felt like they didn't understand that i was using my gas to help her out and they never really showed that they appreciated it. If they would have ever asked about gas money or what not i wouldn't have asked for much because i am not like that but when i can go a week and a half on a tank without taking them with me down to a tank a week.. Then yeah it would have been nice to have been offered some gas money. I think more then anything i would have loved to hear Thank You every now and then. Lesson learned on this one. Especially when i am starting to realize that they are really not the kind of person i need to have in my life. Yeah they can be fun to hang around and what not but i need stability in my life. I think if nothing more they are more of an acquaintance than anything. Those are the kind of people that you see every now and then, have a blast, and then get back to real life. I have decided to take this week off of the gym because i need to get all this out of my head so when i go back in on Monday then i will be able to kind of start fresh. I have to get this person out of my head and i am hoping that by writing in my blog it will help. I am a wuss when it comes to confronting people so i doubt that i will tell them how i truly feel. So the best way that i can think of to deal with this at this moment in time is to write it all out, proceed with caution the next time i come in contact with them, and learn my lesson.



Now to some other things that have been going on in my head (that by the way has been hurting more then normal because of everything inside it). One big thing for the moment is my brother in law underwent kidney transplant surgery on Monday and thankfully everything is going great. He is recovering better then expected and is looking to be released and home on Friday. Our family is relieved. Words will never be able to express the gratitude that my family has for the donor that gave him this precious gift. With that being said i have alot of stuff going on with my family. Not anything health related but emotionally related and all on my part. I don't feel like i have a family. My sister is upset with me because i don't try hard enough to have a relationship with her and come visit her. We had a huge blowout and my moms brilliant idea was to wait until my brother in law was recovered and 100% from his surgery and then we would hash everything out then. Which if you had ever heard my mom talk before to people she would tell them that we all have a close relationship and if any problems arise we deal with it and move on. I roll my eyes whenever i remember her saying this because that is not how she is handling this at this point. Its a joke if you ask me because even though she feels like all of us are disbanding (so to speak) she is just letting everything be swept under the rug until a more "convenient" time.. thanks mom. When my sister called me and attacked me the way she did i went through so much trying to get back to a good point and all i want is to get it all done and over with. I get that people get upset and just hold everything in until they just want to burst and that is exactly what my sister did. She is going through so much and has been holding so much in that one day she snapped. I get it i do.. I just wish we could get it all out in the open, deal with it, and move on. All i know is that when all of it does go down it is going to be interesting to see what all happens because i will be in a place that will help me realize that if need be i can walk away without any regrets. I know that might sound harsh and horrible that i would be able to walk away from a relationship with my sister but if i told you the whole story behind our relationship then you would understand. The best way i can put it without getting into the whole story is.. My mom divorced her dad, married my dad, had me 10 yrs after my sister, my dad spoiled me due to a good job, her and my brother were jealous of me for that, i have 2 kids, she cant have kids, jealous of me for that, and i don't visit her enough. My defense on the visiting she lives 3 hrs away ONE WAY! Like i mentioned i have 2 kids that are into scouts, sports, etc... and i don't have alot of time in the school year to be on the road for 6 hrs in one day. Now in the summer i could go up there but it would have to be without my husband and honestly i don't feel comfortable in her home. I think alot of that is because of everything that needs to be said and dealt with that hasn't. Now i don't know if once everything gets out and dealt with if my feelings will change, i can hope, but i just don't know. Right now though i am taking the high road (as my husband calls it) and i am being nice, offering words of encouragement, while they go through this difficult time but in the back of my mind i am screaming...LOL.



Now another thing bugging me at the moment. I have a friend that i been reconnected with after many many years, through myspace and facebook. Well her hubby is a Marine (god bless him and all he does for our country) and is deployed at the moment. Well she is going on overdrive into the crazy and honestly i am about to explode. She was recently done wrong by her in laws and got upset which don't get me wrong i would have been upset as well but she (in my opinion) did go a little overboard. It was the classic was holding SO much in for SO long and she snapped. Plain and Simple. I mean i have to sympathize with this girl because she is holding down the fort, raising 2 kids, dealing with alot of stress from her hubby being gone but she did overstep when it came to one thing and it hurt me. She moved over to the east coast to be closer to her family and friends and did that in July of 09. They have came home to visit once as a family and the other time she came with just her kids because it was holiday time and none of us wanted to see her be alone for the holidays. Well because of this blowup with the in laws she is deciding not to come home for their visit when the hubby gets off deployment this summer. Which hey what ever you do what you think you need to do there lady but it was what she said that hurt the most. Her hubby got onto facebook and left a comment about if we all were wanting to see them so badly that we should go down to them because they shouldn't have to always make the trip up. (ok i get that but in our defense you moved to the east coast shortly before the school started and many of us were planning a trip to them in the summer when kids were out of school). Well my friend love her dearly but she wrote to me on facebook because i was curious if she was posting stuff under his account and asked if she left the comment. She said no and then proceeded to tell me that it just goes to show that she is not overreacting to everything and that she wondered if it would offend anyone. She then said she doubt it would offend anyone because you would have to have feelings to be offended. Is anyone saying WOW at this point?? I sure did. First off i get she is upset with the in laws but all of her friends that have been calling her, talking her through this deployment just got a HUGE slap in the face. I get that you don't want to hang with your in laws when you come into town but don't loop all of us into the same category there honey. I am trying not to take it personally but i cant help but take it that way. I know she is overwhelmed and i hope that soon she can find some inner peace and realize who the good ones are that are around her. Until that time even though it pains me i have to try and keep my distance. She mentally exhausts me. Like i said Love her but i am drained after every conversation we have. I will be there if she needs me for any of the big stuff but i cant talk about her in laws anymore, or the fact that she is a "single" mom, etc.. because it is the same stuff over and over and over. I cant wait for May.



This is something else that is bugging me but not as much as the 3 things above. I know alot of people that are in school (which kudos to getting an education) but they complain and complain and complain. "I have too much homework", "I don't have enough time to do what i want to do", "I cant get enough aid to pay for school", "Books are too expensive", the list can go on and on and on. ENOUGH people. YOU chose to go back to school to further your education. So either accept all the bad stuff that goes with it or STOP GOING!! You have a choice. UGH! LOL



Another quick thing bugging me is i have a "friend" from high school that is on my facebook. She is driving me nuts. I really believe she has a gambling problem and from what i can tell her husband is doing nothing about it. She gets offers from Atlantic city for free flights, (with free drinks on the flight that is important to her btw), hotel stays, money to gamble with at the casino while there, etc... the whole works. She has gone to Atlantic City twice already this year. Once with a friend and then this last time with her hubby. Which hey it is her life but i wonder how it all affects her kids. Considering just a couple weeks ago she went to a local casino which i am finding out she does quite often. She won some money, hey kudos to you, she came home and talked her hubby into going out of town for a spur of the moment mini vacay. Now just so you know her son and daughter are both in elementary school. They left during the school week. It didn't even phase her a bit when i asked her if she was worried about them missing school. She laughed it off like it wasn't a big deal at all. I mean come on seriously! I would love to see her be one of the parents in her school district that gets the liaison called on them from the school from too many unexcused absences. That would be great to see what she would do then. I think she needs help. I not only think she has a gambling problem but i think both her and the hubby have a drinking problem. I don't think they get drunk every night at home but she is always talking about how wasted they get at every possible chance they get. Even if their kids are around. Great role models huh??



Another parenting thing that is bugging me. I have another "friend" from high school that has recently posted a video of her husband having one of her sons reading a message. How to try and explain it. Have you ever played Mad Gab? It was like that. They put some words on paper that when said together it said "I'm retarded, I'm so f**king retarded" Nice huh?? I am trying to find a way to report the video without my name being attached to it because she is a good person and a good mom but i think she had a lack of better judgement at that moment.



Wow.. i am actually starting to feel better. I guess maybe there is something to writing things down as a sort of therapy. I told my husband that today was going to be dedicated to clearing my head. This is helping. I love being able to sit here with the radio in the background and being able to just type away. I am not sure if anyone even reads this but that is ok if no one does. I think deep down i always just wanted to start a blog to get the things in my head out and this gives me the chance to. I would love to eventually get to a point where i can write my poetry again. I loved writing poetry. Maybe with some discipline of getting into writing on here more i can get my head clear enough to let the poetry back in. That would be wonderful. I am finding that writing and singing tend to be the 2 things that can always get me to a better place. I have 4 physical things that always help me as well. My husbands arms, My sons smile, My daughters eyes, and the words I love you. They are what matter most. After everyone else is gone they will still be there by my side. That is why i think i work on those 3 relationships more then any other in the world. Well until they get older, get married, have kids of their own then their spouses and children will become apart of what will matter most. I have told a few people that my life was much simpler when it was just my husband and my kids. I truly believe that. Have i had some great memories, yes. Have i built a couple friendships that i treasure, yes. But i do regret some of the decisions and people i have brought into my family's life that i am not going to be able to take back but i can try and fix it. I am in all honesty a laid back type girl that every once in a while likes to go out whoop it up and have some fun. For the most part though i love just hanging out at the house with friends eating good food and talking. I am not a big drinker. I don't smoke. But i love to eat. Hence the reason i must now forge on with my journey of losing weight. 223 lbs is too much for my body to handle. 243 was bad enough but i still have a ways to go before i feel comfortable in my skin. I know who i feel like on the inside and i haven't seen that on the outside just yet. I am going to try to not only stop keeping so much inside but work on those 3 important relationships. I am going to make it a priority to create date nights or even date days for each of my important people. Its time this girl gets back to the basics and to recognize who matters and who doesn't.

Thank you for reading. Hope your day is great and you have peace in your heart.

Alot to say...

Well it has been a long time since i posted a blog. So much has changed. So this blog today will be more than just weight loss. It will be about everything and anything that is on my mind. First off i am down 14 lbs total! I am now at 218. I haven't taken measurements in a while so i am not sure about that. It has not been hard at all to do the right thing. It is a life change that you have to be willing to accept and this is something i must do to be around for many many years. Once you accept the challenge then with just a little support from family or friends then you could succeed. Ok enough about weight loss because there is so much more on my mind. I am so sick and tired of fake people that claim to be a friend but you just cant shake that feeling they are not. I have a "friend" that is going through a rough time and granted she chose to be in that situation but i still feel bad for her and tried to help. Guess where that got me her angry and me without a friend that i was beginning to like having around. She told me that she will come to me when she is ready to talk about things but i know that is bull crap because she has already went to her "best Friend" and talked about everything. I honestly feel that i was a great person to hang around when our kids were in the same class, she needed Internet for her laptop, and when she wanted to get away from her husband. Every since she walked away from her husband and their life together i have been like the plague to her. She says that she is finally able to be herself for the first time in a long time. Well that's fine and honestly i don't like the way she is. If this is how she truly treats people and acts then her best friend can have her because she claims to not need drama...Well she Oozes Drama!! I am tired of being kicked, used, set aside, and ignored! I am worth a heck of alot more than that. I have a few people that i can truly say are a Good Friend. They realize my worth and what they have with me. I am the type of person that if you are going through a hard time i will be there to listen. If you need to vent, cry, yell, laugh, etc.. I would be willing to share it all with you. I ask how you are, what your doing, why you did this or that, and i will ask about the people you hang out with. I don't do it to be nosy i just do it because i was raised to be involved in the lives about those you care about. So it is hard for me to understand that someone who once told me about her leaving her husband and the reasons why would all of a sudden when she does it decides that she doesn't want to talk about her new boyfriend and the life that she is creating. I realized that recently i have become something i hate and that is 2-faced. I act like nothing is wrong when i am around her even though inside i am furious with her. So i have come to the conclusion that i must face the fact that i cant go on this way anymore. She is someone that i don't need in my life because she takes people for granted and doesn't appreciate them. For the longest time i wondered if my husband had it right all along. I have wondered if the way he lives his life is the right way or not. I have come to realize that neither way is right or wrong. Some people though don't deserve the same compassion, respect, and energy that others in your life do.
Then i have another friend that is very critical of others. She bugs me when she acts that way because she is not perfect in any means. No one is perfect. She will claim that she isn't perfect but then get annoyed when others do the same as she has done. She is also one that i feel ignored by because even though she says she wants to get together and do something she doesn't make it easy to accomplish. She only gives a certain day and then gets upset when others cant make it on that day. I feel that if she really wants to get together she could find more than one day that she could hang out and if not then don't get upset when others have plans. So just like with the other person that i mentioned above she will get the same treatment that she bestows upon me. Nothing more nothing less. Maybe if people start treating them the way they are treating others it might trigger something.
Ok now.. something that i haven't wanted to talk about because in a way i was hoping it would just work out and go away. Well i need to get stuff off my chest about it. I am scared that my husband will lose his job if the automakers don't get some sort of relief. Whether a loan, bailout, etc.. We made so many concessions with the last contract that to ask them workers to cut their pay would be a huge slap in the face. What people don't realize is that if they did the drastic cut in pay that they want you are going to see a surge in foreclosures, repossions, and dramatic cut in retail sales. Alot of people have made the comment well stop living above your means and things like that. Here is a newsflash.. At least my family because i cant speak for other families...We don't live above our means. We have an average 3 bed. ranch home. We have 2 vehicles but they are 7 and 5 yrs old. If i could have sold my house last year when things weren't looking good then trust me i would have put it on the market and found something less expensive. The thing is houses are not selling, cars are not selling, and that is supposed to be our fault?? It is supposed to be the fault of the worker that we are not wanting to take a pay cut and lose everything that we already worked so hard for. In a society where your credit score is like your status in life it would be hard to get anyone to agree to screw up their credit and lose everything. I don't buy things that are name brand because i want that status symbol.. Our clothes are not from major department stores (unless there is a HUGE sale), our food is from the local supermarkets, and yes i have cable, Internet, etc.. but i don't go overboard. I cant seem to save money because anytime i do a kid gets sick, something breaks, or just life throws a curve ball. I agree with so many people.. management screwed up but is that a reason to screw up the lives of over 2 million autoworkers that had no say in how the shops were run?? Because trust me if you ask the workers that have been there for more than 5 yrs they would tell you how they would have ran those companies and i can guarantee they would have flourished! This is not something that happened over night this has been happening for a few years and the people that are running the company made the best decisions that they could make. All i know is that i am trying to not let it run my life but it is hard to not think about it all the time. I think about it every time i make a purchase anymore. I wonder if we really need the items that i am about to buy because i am afraid to stretch us to thin. I am so thankful for the upcoming holiday season because that is helping to keep my mind off the things that i can not change. I will give my kids a Christmas they deserve because they earned it. I will not let what is going on change the things i will buy for them because they earned the ability to see presents under the tree that they asked Santa for. Some might be a little more pricey then i want to pay but my husband and i will make the sacrifice to not get each other something and be proud to do it. We are not the important ones.. they are.. we had our Christmases and now it is time for them to have theirs. Forget about the bailout, the economy, the people that don't care, the society in which we live. Forget about it all.. the only thing that matters is family and those that care about you. This is Christmas.. Jesus' birthday.. we should be happy, joyful, and full of love. So here i am letting it all go.. i am not going to dwell on anything that doesn't make me smile. There is no point. I am going to fight to be able to be the person i want to be. All i can hope that my true friends and family members will be there standing by my side instead of standing in my way! I don't want to hurt anyone i really don't but i can not let others dictate who i am, what i believe, or what i do.

10/27/08

Ok.. So i know i haven't posted any weigh ins for a couple weeks and that was because I stayed the same on everything! I have been so disappointed in myself because i felt like i had failed. I don't know how i did it but i searched deep inside and used my thinking cap. Call it willpower, determination, etc.. I just didn't give up.. I started eating a protein shake in the morning along with a healthy lunch/dinner. Plus my energy bars.. I think i would have had a more impressive number but we ate out twice yesterday I know!! I know what you all are thinking.. But this was the first day in a month that i had Bryon home and we did alot of errands..lol Anyways.. I am finally down the First 10lbs!!!
I lost 1 lb.. and then these inches
Shoulders~Down 2
Waist~ Down 2!!
Thighs~ Down 1
Calves~ Down 1/2

I told Connie that once i got down 10lbs.. i would post a new picture so that is what i will do.. Once i get home from picking up the kids i will find somewhere in the house to take a couple pics in the infamous jeans from a earlier post!!..lol I feel very happy today for the accomplishment of that 1 lb. and i believe that is because i read something that Jillian Michael's from the Biggest Loser said.. I will re post it for you..

The action begins when you take the steps. Then you are saying, "I'm worth it." Saying "I can't" is where the craziness comes from. Yes, you are strong. Yes, you are powerful. Yes, you are capable. Whenever you put that energy into the universe, it will all fall in place

Pretty amazing words huh?? Well it must have helped to read it. Now this week i just have to stick to my guns and not eat out twice in one day..LOL

Oh and i have to tell you.. I am going to cash in on a couple of my rewards that i have hit. Next Thursday I have an appt. to get a Mani/Pedi.. I had on my reward list for bry to paint my toes and nails but he is really busy and doesn't really like to do it. lol He does it when i really really want him to but he would rather someone else do it. Plus i got a gift cert. from our bank to save $50.. So i cant pass that up!! I might cash in on another one and that is having Bryon dye my hair the kick butt color that i couldn't find the last time i dyed it.

So needless to say i have a pep in my step and a little uplift to my esteem. I will just keep chanting the words of Jillian.. I am powerful, I am worth it, I am strong, and I am capable! Thank you all for reading.