Wow... sorry its been so long..

I did not even realize that it had been since 08 since i last was on here.. Wow.. Well i am hoping that i will get back into writing on this more frequently. I am on another journey in what i am hoping is my last journey to the town called weight loss ville.. lol I started this journey on Oct. 2nd 09 at 243 lbs.. I am eating as healthy as i can ( i am a typical girl that gives into cravings every now and then sue me..lol) and i go to the gym to sweat. In the past couple weeks or so i have not went to the gym probably as often as i should but i am just a little burned out. It was great when i first started going but lately i have not been having fun while i am there. That has been making me feel like not going along with other stressful things we will get into here in a bit. ;) Ok though from Oct. 2nd to today i have lost 20 lbs.. =) I am very proud of it and i am also happy that when i take a day or two off of the gym or my healthy eating it is staying off. So i cant complain something is working i have no clue what but its working..LOL. Speaking of the gym i think some of it is i was being used for a while and now the gym has a sour taste in my mouth. If that makes any sense. A "friend" (i put it like that because the jury is still out because i have not received all the facts on anything and whether they truly are a friend) was having me take her to the gym everyday because she is without a car. So i would pick her up, take her to the gym with me, take her home, day after day after day. They did offer to pay for some tanning to help off set the cost of gas but never did. They bought me lunch one day.. and had offered to pay for other lunches but i go grocery shopping and get stuff for lunch plus what is the point of spending almost 2 hrs in a gym to go out to eat for lunch?? I always felt like they didn't understand that i was using my gas to help her out and they never really showed that they appreciated it. If they would have ever asked about gas money or what not i wouldn't have asked for much because i am not like that but when i can go a week and a half on a tank without taking them with me down to a tank a week.. Then yeah it would have been nice to have been offered some gas money. I think more then anything i would have loved to hear Thank You every now and then. Lesson learned on this one. Especially when i am starting to realize that they are really not the kind of person i need to have in my life. Yeah they can be fun to hang around and what not but i need stability in my life. I think if nothing more they are more of an acquaintance than anything. Those are the kind of people that you see every now and then, have a blast, and then get back to real life. I have decided to take this week off of the gym because i need to get all this out of my head so when i go back in on Monday then i will be able to kind of start fresh. I have to get this person out of my head and i am hoping that by writing in my blog it will help. I am a wuss when it comes to confronting people so i doubt that i will tell them how i truly feel. So the best way that i can think of to deal with this at this moment in time is to write it all out, proceed with caution the next time i come in contact with them, and learn my lesson.



Now to some other things that have been going on in my head (that by the way has been hurting more then normal because of everything inside it). One big thing for the moment is my brother in law underwent kidney transplant surgery on Monday and thankfully everything is going great. He is recovering better then expected and is looking to be released and home on Friday. Our family is relieved. Words will never be able to express the gratitude that my family has for the donor that gave him this precious gift. With that being said i have alot of stuff going on with my family. Not anything health related but emotionally related and all on my part. I don't feel like i have a family. My sister is upset with me because i don't try hard enough to have a relationship with her and come visit her. We had a huge blowout and my moms brilliant idea was to wait until my brother in law was recovered and 100% from his surgery and then we would hash everything out then. Which if you had ever heard my mom talk before to people she would tell them that we all have a close relationship and if any problems arise we deal with it and move on. I roll my eyes whenever i remember her saying this because that is not how she is handling this at this point. Its a joke if you ask me because even though she feels like all of us are disbanding (so to speak) she is just letting everything be swept under the rug until a more "convenient" time.. thanks mom. When my sister called me and attacked me the way she did i went through so much trying to get back to a good point and all i want is to get it all done and over with. I get that people get upset and just hold everything in until they just want to burst and that is exactly what my sister did. She is going through so much and has been holding so much in that one day she snapped. I get it i do.. I just wish we could get it all out in the open, deal with it, and move on. All i know is that when all of it does go down it is going to be interesting to see what all happens because i will be in a place that will help me realize that if need be i can walk away without any regrets. I know that might sound harsh and horrible that i would be able to walk away from a relationship with my sister but if i told you the whole story behind our relationship then you would understand. The best way i can put it without getting into the whole story is.. My mom divorced her dad, married my dad, had me 10 yrs after my sister, my dad spoiled me due to a good job, her and my brother were jealous of me for that, i have 2 kids, she cant have kids, jealous of me for that, and i don't visit her enough. My defense on the visiting she lives 3 hrs away ONE WAY! Like i mentioned i have 2 kids that are into scouts, sports, etc... and i don't have alot of time in the school year to be on the road for 6 hrs in one day. Now in the summer i could go up there but it would have to be without my husband and honestly i don't feel comfortable in her home. I think alot of that is because of everything that needs to be said and dealt with that hasn't. Now i don't know if once everything gets out and dealt with if my feelings will change, i can hope, but i just don't know. Right now though i am taking the high road (as my husband calls it) and i am being nice, offering words of encouragement, while they go through this difficult time but in the back of my mind i am screaming...LOL.



Now another thing bugging me at the moment. I have a friend that i been reconnected with after many many years, through myspace and facebook. Well her hubby is a Marine (god bless him and all he does for our country) and is deployed at the moment. Well she is going on overdrive into the crazy and honestly i am about to explode. She was recently done wrong by her in laws and got upset which don't get me wrong i would have been upset as well but she (in my opinion) did go a little overboard. It was the classic was holding SO much in for SO long and she snapped. Plain and Simple. I mean i have to sympathize with this girl because she is holding down the fort, raising 2 kids, dealing with alot of stress from her hubby being gone but she did overstep when it came to one thing and it hurt me. She moved over to the east coast to be closer to her family and friends and did that in July of 09. They have came home to visit once as a family and the other time she came with just her kids because it was holiday time and none of us wanted to see her be alone for the holidays. Well because of this blowup with the in laws she is deciding not to come home for their visit when the hubby gets off deployment this summer. Which hey what ever you do what you think you need to do there lady but it was what she said that hurt the most. Her hubby got onto facebook and left a comment about if we all were wanting to see them so badly that we should go down to them because they shouldn't have to always make the trip up. (ok i get that but in our defense you moved to the east coast shortly before the school started and many of us were planning a trip to them in the summer when kids were out of school). Well my friend love her dearly but she wrote to me on facebook because i was curious if she was posting stuff under his account and asked if she left the comment. She said no and then proceeded to tell me that it just goes to show that she is not overreacting to everything and that she wondered if it would offend anyone. She then said she doubt it would offend anyone because you would have to have feelings to be offended. Is anyone saying WOW at this point?? I sure did. First off i get she is upset with the in laws but all of her friends that have been calling her, talking her through this deployment just got a HUGE slap in the face. I get that you don't want to hang with your in laws when you come into town but don't loop all of us into the same category there honey. I am trying not to take it personally but i cant help but take it that way. I know she is overwhelmed and i hope that soon she can find some inner peace and realize who the good ones are that are around her. Until that time even though it pains me i have to try and keep my distance. She mentally exhausts me. Like i said Love her but i am drained after every conversation we have. I will be there if she needs me for any of the big stuff but i cant talk about her in laws anymore, or the fact that she is a "single" mom, etc.. because it is the same stuff over and over and over. I cant wait for May.



This is something else that is bugging me but not as much as the 3 things above. I know alot of people that are in school (which kudos to getting an education) but they complain and complain and complain. "I have too much homework", "I don't have enough time to do what i want to do", "I cant get enough aid to pay for school", "Books are too expensive", the list can go on and on and on. ENOUGH people. YOU chose to go back to school to further your education. So either accept all the bad stuff that goes with it or STOP GOING!! You have a choice. UGH! LOL



Another quick thing bugging me is i have a "friend" from high school that is on my facebook. She is driving me nuts. I really believe she has a gambling problem and from what i can tell her husband is doing nothing about it. She gets offers from Atlantic city for free flights, (with free drinks on the flight that is important to her btw), hotel stays, money to gamble with at the casino while there, etc... the whole works. She has gone to Atlantic City twice already this year. Once with a friend and then this last time with her hubby. Which hey it is her life but i wonder how it all affects her kids. Considering just a couple weeks ago she went to a local casino which i am finding out she does quite often. She won some money, hey kudos to you, she came home and talked her hubby into going out of town for a spur of the moment mini vacay. Now just so you know her son and daughter are both in elementary school. They left during the school week. It didn't even phase her a bit when i asked her if she was worried about them missing school. She laughed it off like it wasn't a big deal at all. I mean come on seriously! I would love to see her be one of the parents in her school district that gets the liaison called on them from the school from too many unexcused absences. That would be great to see what she would do then. I think she needs help. I not only think she has a gambling problem but i think both her and the hubby have a drinking problem. I don't think they get drunk every night at home but she is always talking about how wasted they get at every possible chance they get. Even if their kids are around. Great role models huh??



Another parenting thing that is bugging me. I have another "friend" from high school that has recently posted a video of her husband having one of her sons reading a message. How to try and explain it. Have you ever played Mad Gab? It was like that. They put some words on paper that when said together it said "I'm retarded, I'm so f**king retarded" Nice huh?? I am trying to find a way to report the video without my name being attached to it because she is a good person and a good mom but i think she had a lack of better judgement at that moment.



Wow.. i am actually starting to feel better. I guess maybe there is something to writing things down as a sort of therapy. I told my husband that today was going to be dedicated to clearing my head. This is helping. I love being able to sit here with the radio in the background and being able to just type away. I am not sure if anyone even reads this but that is ok if no one does. I think deep down i always just wanted to start a blog to get the things in my head out and this gives me the chance to. I would love to eventually get to a point where i can write my poetry again. I loved writing poetry. Maybe with some discipline of getting into writing on here more i can get my head clear enough to let the poetry back in. That would be wonderful. I am finding that writing and singing tend to be the 2 things that can always get me to a better place. I have 4 physical things that always help me as well. My husbands arms, My sons smile, My daughters eyes, and the words I love you. They are what matter most. After everyone else is gone they will still be there by my side. That is why i think i work on those 3 relationships more then any other in the world. Well until they get older, get married, have kids of their own then their spouses and children will become apart of what will matter most. I have told a few people that my life was much simpler when it was just my husband and my kids. I truly believe that. Have i had some great memories, yes. Have i built a couple friendships that i treasure, yes. But i do regret some of the decisions and people i have brought into my family's life that i am not going to be able to take back but i can try and fix it. I am in all honesty a laid back type girl that every once in a while likes to go out whoop it up and have some fun. For the most part though i love just hanging out at the house with friends eating good food and talking. I am not a big drinker. I don't smoke. But i love to eat. Hence the reason i must now forge on with my journey of losing weight. 223 lbs is too much for my body to handle. 243 was bad enough but i still have a ways to go before i feel comfortable in my skin. I know who i feel like on the inside and i haven't seen that on the outside just yet. I am going to try to not only stop keeping so much inside but work on those 3 important relationships. I am going to make it a priority to create date nights or even date days for each of my important people. Its time this girl gets back to the basics and to recognize who matters and who doesn't.

Thank you for reading. Hope your day is great and you have peace in your heart.