Things are starting to become clear....

I have been watching a show called Ruby for a few weeks now. It is about a woman that weighed over 700 lbs and is on a journey to lose weight. She is weighing in the 320's and she is trying to overcome her food addiction and while doing that she is trying to remember her childhood. While watching today alot of memories and emotions started to flood into my brain.

The first thing that comes to mind is my lack of ambition to do anything outside of the home. If anyone knew my family members they would immediately be able to tell me that because of my mom being a stay at home mom from as far back as i can remember that...that would be the logical explanation of why i am a stay at home mom. For me though i was always told that my mom was too sick to work in her profession which was floral design. I can vaguely remember her working when i was about 5 or so. The doctors told her that her asthma was so bad that she had to stop doing her job so then she became a stay at home mom. I know that when that happened it made my sister and brother jealous of me because they felt like i was going to receive more attention then they ever did. The funny part of it is... i really didn't. My mom was always a big book reader when she worked but she became almost addicted to it once she was able to stay home. I would remember leaving the house for school and coming home to see her sitting in her chair with her book, cigarettes, and pop. Everyday. She claims to this day that we did stuff as a family but i don't remember most of what she says. I do remember garage saling up north by my grandparents place. She also claims to everyone that she talks to (even us kids) that she would encourage us to go out for sports or extra curriculars but every time i think about it i have a hard time placing those words. I know alot of the times that i would want to do something and i would ask her about it... there had to be a good reason for it, it had to be convenient, and it couldn't cost alot of money. I feel badly because i am starting to realize that i have asked the same things of my kids. The only difference between what i went through and my kids is the fact that i have taken myself out of the comfort zone to help them do the things they want to do. I don't think my mom ever did that for me. I do know that i do need to have a little more trust in them as far as sticking with the activities they want to do. In the back of my mind when they ask to try something new i have been afraid to let them because if they don't follow through then that is money wasted. I need to stop thinking that way. I need to let them experience this stuff now in life while they still can because i don't want them to have regrets like i have for not fighting for the things that i wish i could have done when i was younger.

The reason i became a stay at home mom was because it was cheaper for me to be home then for my hubby to stay home and turn down overtime. On my wage that i was making by the time i would pay daycare and gas i would end up spending money on top of my paycheck to work. It actually saved us money for me to stay home. When the kids were little though i used that time to teach them their abcs, how to read, write, do math, how to talk, share, lots of things. I also showed them how much i loved them. I was always there to listen to them as well. My kids and I would have some amazing talks when they were younger. I felt so connected to them. Now though that they are in school full time and independent i am having a hard time going back to work. For one i think what if something happens to them and i am so reliant on work (for money) and they tell me i cant go to them. No matter what i would always put the kids ahead of work always but to have to be faced with that situation gives me anxiety. Also i feel anxiety when i think of putting myself out of my comfort zone of my house and in the mix with people again. People scare the daylights out of me. Some don't have any restraint and they will hurt people just because they are angry, hurt, sad, etc.. I am so frightened to be on the receiving end of that. I am (as crazy as this is going to sound) Deathly scared of Death. Also i know that i am afraid that if i start to work on a regular basis that i might have to miss things that the kids are doing in school.. i.e.. games, meets, musicals, talent shows, etc.. It is very rare that you find a workplace that understands family life and that you don't want to miss those things. My hubbys work is a prime example of that. They tell their workers all the time that they should live breathe and die for work and that family comes second. I am so THANKFUL that my hubby took a step in his career that helps him be able to say Nope.. family comes first YOU come second.. He has the ability to say no to overtime. Yes there is some times that an accident will happen at work that forces him to put work above everything else but those are far and few between.

I am realizing more and more with every thought and memory that i am having today that there are two emotions that keep coming through. Anger and Scared.

I am angry with alot of people and i am scared to tell them about it. I am scared of change but then i also feel that i need to change or i will end up like my mom. I love my mom but i don't want to end up like her. She is sick all the time and barely leaves the house. The times she does leave the house it is to "safe" places. Those are the places she goes to over and over. She does have her once a year ventures to National bowling tournaments that are in other states and what not but she has to be the one in control on those trips. She drives, she plans the stops, etc.. She hates going to Reno because that is a flying trip and then she has to give up control but then once she is there and has that rental car..you better watch out because then she is back.

I have dreams and goals that i want to accomplish and i am just afraid that once i feel comfortable enough to head towards those then it might be too late. I am trying my best right now to lose weight because i want to look like the girl i feel i am on the inside. I am just afraid all the time that it is going to take too long to feel happy with myself. I want to feel happy about myself so then i can feel more confident to achieve my goals and dreams. I have lacked confidence and self esteem for many many years. I am not sure about where i lost the confidence but i am pretty sure i know where the lack of self esteem comes from. I started to gain weight after i was raped. Then once i started to gain weight people would then make fun of me, call me names, and make me feel horrible about myself. I always let them have control of my body image. I would dress in baggy clothes because i was called ugly and fat. The only nice compliments i ever heard was about my eyes and my hair. I was always told those were my two best assets. Lately i have been experiencing loss of hair more and more and it scares me. I don't know why when i am in the shower after washing my hair i will have a handful of hair come out. I don't know why when i brush my hair the same thing happens. I am terrified to go to the doctor because i am afraid of what they might say is causing it. I don't want to be sick, I don't want to be broken, I don't want to be anything but healthy. I have been trying to go to the gym and eat right so i can live a long healthy life and i am just afraid that i might have decided to do it too late.

Wow. I do feel a little better about letting this out but i know deep down that i need to express it verbally as well. That will be another step though right?